TROLL : An Autobiography

Hey dear reader!

Before I begin, please allow me to thank you for your continued display of stupidity & mediocrity. It has been a permanent fuel to my ability. Without your intense abuses & your strong biases, I couldn't have thought of becoming a global phenomenon. With every irrelevant tag of yours on Facebook, I become more & more relevant. With your valuable tweets & retweets about the most rubbish & pointless issues, I have attained the utmost importance. Your firm support for your opinion & extreme intolerance for others' has been quite an inspiration for me. And I'm pretty sure that together you and I will ruin this world of its demographic dividend & make it a much better hell to dwell on.

At the onset, I would take the pleasure of introducing myself to you, in case you're not aware of me. Despite the fact that the world population is constantly registering its online presence and myself being an online phenomenon, there's still a large chunk of people who aren't actually aware of me. I call it as the 'Chunk of Ignorants'. Because they're using me, they're surrounded by me, they're infact, breathing me, still they seem to have ignored my existence. Actually, they're ignoring their conscience, which indeed is a prerequisite for my existence. Now let me see if you belong to this chunk. Just try answering these simple questions.

1. Have you ever tried body shaming? Ok let me put it simpler...
    Have you ever tagged a Rahul for Pooja, or a Pooja for Rahul? Just because Rahul had thick lips while Pooja had a dark complexion...

2. And what about online abuse? Remember that FB post which had a different opinion than that of yours'? Or that tweet which attacked your biased mind? See, you're getting there....

3. Last, but ofcourse not the least, how many times have you called someone to 'HAVELI' or learnt about the 3 levels of ultra-poor humour : Kids, Adults , Legends?

Anyways, hello! I'm TROLL. For the sake of definition, I'm the sole representative of the collective loss of conscience of the internet dwellers. I create a compulsion for the people to react. If one attempts to rearrange & extract some of the letters of the word 'REACT' , one might deduce 'CARE'. Fortunately, people neither REACT to CARE nor they CARE to REACT..!!

My cause is a human. And the bearer of my consequence is also the human. My working principle is: "To err is to human". People are the victims of their emotions. And I exploit them to take sides on every single issue, hence colouring this world as black & white. My temporary address keeps changing, but I enjoy a ubiquitous presence on Instagram, Whatsapp, FB, & Twitter, while my permanent address is the human brain.

My hobbies are online abusing, body shaming, slut shaming & ridiculing. Not only this, but I also possess a specialisation on 'Emotional-Fooling'. My strength comes from the biases of the people. Biases may change, but they would never cease to exist and so wouln't I. My recent achievements are BREXIT, Donald Trump as POTUS and post-Demonetisation Circus in India.

You might be feeling that you're going through a resume of mine. Afterall, where else do you get such articulated points of introduction, work-experience, hobbies, strrength & achievements? But hold on! Don't you ever think of me as a job-seeker. I'm an employer, you see. And what if I tell you that you are one of my dedicated employees...?

Infact, I'm the world's biggest employer with almost every other user of social network working tirelessly for me. They keep on tagging their friends whose names start with different alphabets, asking them for a party or labelling them with some sort of adjectives. Even the governments have started to take my service, hence justifying their amateur policy-making & ruthless agendas.

Everything has been working fine for me, except a few sane voices that have started to surface. I have always cherished the silence of the sensible & intellectual people. That's where's I get motivation from. But, with the surfacing of these sane voices, my identity has started to be questioned upon. Big employers like I have been hit badly by various startup programmes. Instead of wasting their conscience & becoming my employee, people have started to set up their own ventures, by using their conscience & writing against me, thus challenging my existence. This poses a sheer threat to my business. Business of making a mockery of emotions, business of flagging the biases & holding them as unquestionable trtuh. I'm scared! Please don't question me! please! Never forget those pleasures that I have provided you. I'm the sole authority that lets you make fun of the english speaking skills of the Pakistan Cricket team & simultaneously allow you to claim yourself as a proud Hindu, who dejects the english language, that too with the swagger. Please, don't leave me! I'm nothing without your foolishness and foohardiness..!!

Analysis is something that I have always refrained from. That's infact, quite contradictory to my business policy which relies on small, easy & catchy phrases. Phrases that can easily draw mass attention, without being boring like those long analysis. But this evening, a post on Facebook has gone my way to beat me. A catchy phrase to beat many other catchy phrases. This phrase is my bane, & it unfolds to an anaysis of mine. But the faith that I bestow upon my employees( including you) gives me an inner strength to counter this post. Lets do this guys. Suggest some abusive & stupid captions for this post. I have got you the snapshot below!  To put in simpler terms, lets troll this post. Beacuse, its just an analysis for you, but nemesis for me! Here it is....


  1. Wow! It's really awesome i like the way you write.i actually can feel the intensity at every word whether its humorous or has some social or logical point.keep up the good work and keep entertaining us with your writing.all the best and actually this one was the best.

    1. Thankyou very much! Will strive hard to write even better...

  2. It seems like i m reading it from THE HINDU...

    1. That probably would be the last compliment for my writing..!!
      Thankyou so very much.

  3. The best topic can ever be chosen.Honestly ,seems to be like the great philosopher discussing about his life....keep working.

    1. Thankyou very much for your enthralling & motivating words...

  4. I am impressed Aditya. Very good. Keep it up. Don't stop writing. Will be eagerly waiting for your next.

    1. Thanks much sir, great to see it coming from you..!


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